Bully-free zone?

The other day, Orlando and I were enjoying drinks at home with our friend Nathalie. As often happens when Nathalie is over, the conversation was wide ranging, hitting on everything from good new restaurants to the challenges of being a kid. I forget exactly how we got onto the subject of bullying, but we did and I noted that it makes me happy that Anastasia's school is a bully-free zone, with a zero tolerance policy for bullying. She won't be made fun of for being blonde (in a school where 96% of students are African American), no one gets to tease her for being smart or clumsy, or whatever other quirk a kid could use to hurt her. I pointed out that I was picked on a lot as a kid, and if my child can escape that, then that's okay with me.

Orlando took a different view on the matter. He asked, "Don't bullies have a purpose?" He explained that he thought kids need to develop an understanding of the world in which they live. They won't always be picked first for a team, they won't always be liked by everyone, and sometimes the world can be harsh. Doesn't it help kids develop some toughness so they can deal with the adversity that they'll face later in life? The world's not all of a sudden going to get nicer, right? Sometimes people are mean, and kids have to learn how to adapt to that.

There are a lot of disservices done to kids by parents trying to treat everyone "fairly", or rather misunderstanding what fair treatment is. Not every child will deserve a trophy or award. Not every kid should get a medal. Those should be saved for kids who truly are outstanding. And kids who are outstanding in one area, need to learn that there are things that they're not good at. Still, many parents feel like just participating should be praised. Last year, a youth football organization in Texas received both praise and flak from parents when they announced they would no longer issue participation trophies. (Although, they still gave participation medals, so it's not like they took the boldest step possible.)

I pointed out that little girl hasn't played any organized sports (yet), and hasn't ever received a participation medal. But, to me, there's a difference between not being coddled and being bullied.

I think there are ways to teach kids that the world's not perfect without making them feel "less than". Don't we provide that to our daughter by setting limits? Our girl is very accustomed to hearing "I'm sorry, we're not buying that today", or "Mommy's talking now, you'll have to wait a moment." While we're not mean to her, she sometimes sees our rules as arbitrary, which may feel mean.

As the conversation continued, Nathalie pointed out that there are substantial differences between what we experienced from bullies as kids (in the stone age before cell phones and the internet) and what it's like today. When we were kids, a bully's reach into our lives ended when we left school. Bullied kids today are harassed at school, then, when they go home, they find their bullies on Facebook, Twitter or whatever the next social media format will be. It seems natural for kids to want to keep their digital world private from their parents. But when they do that, parents can't run interference when ugliness becomes too much to handle.

What kid wants to tell their parents they're being picked on? Parents are proud. Being a victim, well, that just doesn't seem like something mom and dad will be proud of. I certainly didn't tell my parents I was picked on. Once you're old enough to be aware of this, aren't you likely to work really hard to present the best possible message? And when that becomes impossible, what next? All too often, we hear of kids committing suicide because they see no way out.

There are studies that show that the effects of bullying last long into adulthood, and adults are also susceptible to bullying (though the tactics change with time.) And there's evidence that even bullies can suffer lifelong negative effects, including increased risks of psychiatric issues.

The fact is, Anastasia will almost certainly deal with bullying in some way as she grows up (whether she's the victim, bully, or bystander). So, at the end of the day, how do we, as parents, make sure that our daughter knows that she can talk to us? And more than that. How do we instill in her a sense of individual worth that is stronger than any bully's ability to put her down? How do we guide her to be strong enough to stand up to someone picking on another kid? And is there a risk that our sweet little girl will, herself, be the bully? I'd like to think not, given her kind and gentle disposition, but who's to say. These are the questions I'm trying to answer for myself, before it becomes an issue for our little girl and her classmates.