Bully-free zone?

The other day, Orlando and I were enjoying drinks at home with our friend Nathalie. As often happens when Nathalie is over, the conversation was wide ranging, hitting on everything from good new restaurants to the challenges of being a kid. I forget exactly how we got onto the subject of bullying, but we did and I noted that it makes me happy that Anastasia's school is a bully-free zone, with a zero tolerance policy for bullying. She won't be made fun of for being blonde (in a school where 96% of students are African American), no one gets to tease her for being smart or clumsy, or whatever other quirk a kid could use to hurt her. I pointed out that I was picked on a lot as a kid, and if my child can escape that, then that's okay with me.

Orlando took a different view on the matter. He asked, "Don't bullies have a purpose?" He explained that he thought kids need to develop an understanding of the world in which they live. They won't always be picked first for a team, they won't always be liked by everyone, and sometimes the world can be harsh. Doesn't it help kids develop some toughness so they can deal with the adversity that they'll face later in life? The world's not all of a sudden going to get nicer, right? Sometimes people are mean, and kids have to learn how to adapt to that.

There are a lot of disservices done to kids by parents trying to treat everyone "fairly", or rather misunderstanding what fair treatment is. Not every child will deserve a trophy or award. Not every kid should get a medal. Those should be saved for kids who truly are outstanding. And kids who are outstanding in one area, need to learn that there are things that they're not good at. Still, many parents feel like just participating should be praised. Last year, a youth football organization in Texas received both praise and flak from parents when they announced they would no longer issue participation trophies. (Although, they still gave participation medals, so it's not like they took the boldest step possible.)

I pointed out that little girl hasn't played any organized sports (yet), and hasn't ever received a participation medal. But, to me, there's a difference between not being coddled and being bullied.

I think there are ways to teach kids that the world's not perfect without making them feel "less than". Don't we provide that to our daughter by setting limits? Our girl is very accustomed to hearing "I'm sorry, we're not buying that today", or "Mommy's talking now, you'll have to wait a moment." While we're not mean to her, she sometimes sees our rules as arbitrary, which may feel mean.

As the conversation continued, Nathalie pointed out that there are substantial differences between what we experienced from bullies as kids (in the stone age before cell phones and the internet) and what it's like today. When we were kids, a bully's reach into our lives ended when we left school. Bullied kids today are harassed at school, then, when they go home, they find their bullies on Facebook, Twitter or whatever the next social media format will be. It seems natural for kids to want to keep their digital world private from their parents. But when they do that, parents can't run interference when ugliness becomes too much to handle.

What kid wants to tell their parents they're being picked on? Parents are proud. Being a victim, well, that just doesn't seem like something mom and dad will be proud of. I certainly didn't tell my parents I was picked on. Once you're old enough to be aware of this, aren't you likely to work really hard to present the best possible message? And when that becomes impossible, what next? All too often, we hear of kids committing suicide because they see no way out.

There are studies that show that the effects of bullying last long into adulthood, and adults are also susceptible to bullying (though the tactics change with time.) And there's evidence that even bullies can suffer lifelong negative effects, including increased risks of psychiatric issues.

The fact is, Anastasia will almost certainly deal with bullying in some way as she grows up (whether she's the victim, bully, or bystander). So, at the end of the day, how do we, as parents, make sure that our daughter knows that she can talk to us? And more than that. How do we instill in her a sense of individual worth that is stronger than any bully's ability to put her down? How do we guide her to be strong enough to stand up to someone picking on another kid? And is there a risk that our sweet little girl will, herself, be the bully? I'd like to think not, given her kind and gentle disposition, but who's to say. These are the questions I'm trying to answer for myself, before it becomes an issue for our little girl and her classmates.

Makin' it work

Anastasia has a keen interest in how things work ... mechanically, electronically, chemically: all of it. She's been helping Orlando fix motorcycles since she was a toddler, and there's nothing more interesting to her than when he has something disassembled on the dining room table. One of her favorite shows TV is "How It's Made", which I dutifully watch and try to be interested in. Orlando and I very much want to encourage her excitement in how the world works. So, included in the gifts under the tree this year, were presents aimed at creating, not just imagining or playing. The crafty side of our girl got a rainbow loom, a latch hook kit, and a couple of robot building kits. I've managed to catch lots of pictures of her hunched over a project making a bracelet or working on her panda latch hook. This is a nice change from staring at the TV.



Another present that we're all pretty excited about targets her inner engineer. When we saw the Snap Circuits kit in a catalog, we both thought it was super cool. Learning about how electrical circuits work without the challenge of twisting wires and soldering connections seemed pretty fun. So, during winter break, when Anastasia pulled it out, Orlando and I were both pretty excited to play with it. We started from the beginning of the book and Anastasia began putting together light switches, battery testers, and various noise makers, checking each project off as she went.

After about an hour, she decided she wanted to try project number 162 - AM Radio with Transistors. With Orlando's help, she followed the step by step instructions and the result was awesome.



I've spent a lot of time thinking about how to encourage Anastasia's interest in science and math when so much of the media around her are driving her toward the pink aisle. Now, she's a girly girl who loves to dress in pink and sparkles, is desperate for a pair of high heels, and prizes the make-up kit that Myney gave her for her 7th birthday like her own personal treasure. She loves her Barbies, and I'm not going to try to persuade her to leave them behind. But, none of those things feed her love of science. Shortly before Christmas, I saw this video for Goldiblox, a very cool engineering set that's designed specifically for girls.



I love that there's a company out there actively working to encourage girls' interests in science and engineering. I considered adding it to Anastasia's Christmas stash, but decided we'd bought enough already. In the end, I'm glad I didn't. We've got a little girl who doesn't see gender bias in science (yet). As long as we, and her teachers at school, can continue to cultivate her love of science, I think we may have a future engineer (or astrophysicist, or rocket scientist, or physician) on our hands.

Can you have two fun parents?

Orlando and I share many of the same opinions when it comes to parenting. We're both pretty quick to get irritated by behavior that pushes boundaries. We both believe that it's important to learn table manners and restaurant etiquette at a very early age. We agree that it's okay for our kid to decide she doesn't like a particular food, but not before trying it. And we both have very high expectations in terms of her schooling. But, for as much as we have in common in our parenting styles, we often take very different approaches to raising our little girl.

Do you watch Modern Family? One of my favorite lines from the show is one in which Claire explains to her son Luke that she used to be fun, but that had to go away when she became a mom because you can't have two fun parents. "You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with hundred dollar bills? Two fun parents". I'd like to believe that I'm a fun person, but when it comes to balancing out the parent roles, Anastasia herself will tell you that Orlando's the fun parent, and I'm the "mean" one. Don't get me wrong, he can be tough, too, but he's more likely to take a playful approach than me. For example:



Case in point: Anastasia finds distractions everywhere in the morning when she's supposed to be getting ready for school. I can't count how many times I've walked into her room to find her naked playing Barbies, or with one leg in a pair of tights reading a book. It would be funny (actually, who'm I kidding, it's hysterical), but we have a limited time to get ready in the morning, and if one of us is checking on her progress every minute, we're not getting ready ourselves. After what seemed like months of struggling to get her to focus in the mornings, I made a check list of her tasks and told her it was unacceptable for her to play/turn on the tv/read until everything on the list was completed. Meanwhile Orlando's approach appealed to her competitive nature. He challenged her to a race and told her each morning that he was going to win. Like I said, he's the fun one.

And the truth is, I'm actually okay with that. Sure, Orlando may be more likely to toss her into a giant pile of leaves, or start a pillow fight to wake her up in the morning. But I'm the one who plans the birthday parties (complete with personalized craft we do together) and makes Christmas ornaments with her every year so when she's grown, she'll have a tree's worth of decorations.



From him she gets her spontaneous, playful, goofy nature, from me she gets her more measured approach to challenges, joy at making and checking things off a list, and love of making things herself. All in all, I think we balance each other pretty nicely.