Bully-free zone?

The other day, Orlando and I were enjoying drinks at home with our friend Nathalie. As often happens when Nathalie is over, the conversation was wide ranging, hitting on everything from good new restaurants to the challenges of being a kid. I forget exactly how we got onto the subject of bullying, but we did and I noted that it makes me happy that Anastasia's school is a bully-free zone, with a zero tolerance policy for bullying. She won't be made fun of for being blonde (in a school where 96% of students are African American), no one gets to tease her for being smart or clumsy, or whatever other quirk a kid could use to hurt her. I pointed out that I was picked on a lot as a kid, and if my child can escape that, then that's okay with me.

Orlando took a different view on the matter. He asked, "Don't bullies have a purpose?" He explained that he thought kids need to develop an understanding of the world in which they live. They won't always be picked first for a team, they won't always be liked by everyone, and sometimes the world can be harsh. Doesn't it help kids develop some toughness so they can deal with the adversity that they'll face later in life? The world's not all of a sudden going to get nicer, right? Sometimes people are mean, and kids have to learn how to adapt to that.

There are a lot of disservices done to kids by parents trying to treat everyone "fairly", or rather misunderstanding what fair treatment is. Not every child will deserve a trophy or award. Not every kid should get a medal. Those should be saved for kids who truly are outstanding. And kids who are outstanding in one area, need to learn that there are things that they're not good at. Still, many parents feel like just participating should be praised. Last year, a youth football organization in Texas received both praise and flak from parents when they announced they would no longer issue participation trophies. (Although, they still gave participation medals, so it's not like they took the boldest step possible.)

I pointed out that little girl hasn't played any organized sports (yet), and hasn't ever received a participation medal. But, to me, there's a difference between not being coddled and being bullied.

I think there are ways to teach kids that the world's not perfect without making them feel "less than". Don't we provide that to our daughter by setting limits? Our girl is very accustomed to hearing "I'm sorry, we're not buying that today", or "Mommy's talking now, you'll have to wait a moment." While we're not mean to her, she sometimes sees our rules as arbitrary, which may feel mean.

As the conversation continued, Nathalie pointed out that there are substantial differences between what we experienced from bullies as kids (in the stone age before cell phones and the internet) and what it's like today. When we were kids, a bully's reach into our lives ended when we left school. Bullied kids today are harassed at school, then, when they go home, they find their bullies on Facebook, Twitter or whatever the next social media format will be. It seems natural for kids to want to keep their digital world private from their parents. But when they do that, parents can't run interference when ugliness becomes too much to handle.

What kid wants to tell their parents they're being picked on? Parents are proud. Being a victim, well, that just doesn't seem like something mom and dad will be proud of. I certainly didn't tell my parents I was picked on. Once you're old enough to be aware of this, aren't you likely to work really hard to present the best possible message? And when that becomes impossible, what next? All too often, we hear of kids committing suicide because they see no way out.

There are studies that show that the effects of bullying last long into adulthood, and adults are also susceptible to bullying (though the tactics change with time.) And there's evidence that even bullies can suffer lifelong negative effects, including increased risks of psychiatric issues.

The fact is, Anastasia will almost certainly deal with bullying in some way as she grows up (whether she's the victim, bully, or bystander). So, at the end of the day, how do we, as parents, make sure that our daughter knows that she can talk to us? And more than that. How do we instill in her a sense of individual worth that is stronger than any bully's ability to put her down? How do we guide her to be strong enough to stand up to someone picking on another kid? And is there a risk that our sweet little girl will, herself, be the bully? I'd like to think not, given her kind and gentle disposition, but who's to say. These are the questions I'm trying to answer for myself, before it becomes an issue for our little girl and her classmates.

Makin' it work

Anastasia has a keen interest in how things work ... mechanically, electronically, chemically: all of it. She's been helping Orlando fix motorcycles since she was a toddler, and there's nothing more interesting to her than when he has something disassembled on the dining room table. One of her favorite shows TV is "How It's Made", which I dutifully watch and try to be interested in. Orlando and I very much want to encourage her excitement in how the world works. So, included in the gifts under the tree this year, were presents aimed at creating, not just imagining or playing. The crafty side of our girl got a rainbow loom, a latch hook kit, and a couple of robot building kits. I've managed to catch lots of pictures of her hunched over a project making a bracelet or working on her panda latch hook. This is a nice change from staring at the TV.



Another present that we're all pretty excited about targets her inner engineer. When we saw the Snap Circuits kit in a catalog, we both thought it was super cool. Learning about how electrical circuits work without the challenge of twisting wires and soldering connections seemed pretty fun. So, during winter break, when Anastasia pulled it out, Orlando and I were both pretty excited to play with it. We started from the beginning of the book and Anastasia began putting together light switches, battery testers, and various noise makers, checking each project off as she went.

After about an hour, she decided she wanted to try project number 162 - AM Radio with Transistors. With Orlando's help, she followed the step by step instructions and the result was awesome.



I've spent a lot of time thinking about how to encourage Anastasia's interest in science and math when so much of the media around her are driving her toward the pink aisle. Now, she's a girly girl who loves to dress in pink and sparkles, is desperate for a pair of high heels, and prizes the make-up kit that Myney gave her for her 7th birthday like her own personal treasure. She loves her Barbies, and I'm not going to try to persuade her to leave them behind. But, none of those things feed her love of science. Shortly before Christmas, I saw this video for Goldiblox, a very cool engineering set that's designed specifically for girls.



I love that there's a company out there actively working to encourage girls' interests in science and engineering. I considered adding it to Anastasia's Christmas stash, but decided we'd bought enough already. In the end, I'm glad I didn't. We've got a little girl who doesn't see gender bias in science (yet). As long as we, and her teachers at school, can continue to cultivate her love of science, I think we may have a future engineer (or astrophysicist, or rocket scientist, or physician) on our hands.

Can you have two fun parents?

Orlando and I share many of the same opinions when it comes to parenting. We're both pretty quick to get irritated by behavior that pushes boundaries. We both believe that it's important to learn table manners and restaurant etiquette at a very early age. We agree that it's okay for our kid to decide she doesn't like a particular food, but not before trying it. And we both have very high expectations in terms of her schooling. But, for as much as we have in common in our parenting styles, we often take very different approaches to raising our little girl.

Do you watch Modern Family? One of my favorite lines from the show is one in which Claire explains to her son Luke that she used to be fun, but that had to go away when she became a mom because you can't have two fun parents. "You know that kid Liam who wears pajama pants to school and pays for things with hundred dollar bills? Two fun parents". I'd like to believe that I'm a fun person, but when it comes to balancing out the parent roles, Anastasia herself will tell you that Orlando's the fun parent, and I'm the "mean" one. Don't get me wrong, he can be tough, too, but he's more likely to take a playful approach than me. For example:



Case in point: Anastasia finds distractions everywhere in the morning when she's supposed to be getting ready for school. I can't count how many times I've walked into her room to find her naked playing Barbies, or with one leg in a pair of tights reading a book. It would be funny (actually, who'm I kidding, it's hysterical), but we have a limited time to get ready in the morning, and if one of us is checking on her progress every minute, we're not getting ready ourselves. After what seemed like months of struggling to get her to focus in the mornings, I made a check list of her tasks and told her it was unacceptable for her to play/turn on the tv/read until everything on the list was completed. Meanwhile Orlando's approach appealed to her competitive nature. He challenged her to a race and told her each morning that he was going to win. Like I said, he's the fun one.

And the truth is, I'm actually okay with that. Sure, Orlando may be more likely to toss her into a giant pile of leaves, or start a pillow fight to wake her up in the morning. But I'm the one who plans the birthday parties (complete with personalized craft we do together) and makes Christmas ornaments with her every year so when she's grown, she'll have a tree's worth of decorations.



From him she gets her spontaneous, playful, goofy nature, from me she gets her more measured approach to challenges, joy at making and checking things off a list, and love of making things herself. All in all, I think we balance each other pretty nicely.

Two Special Christmas Gifts

Not surprisingly, the holidays were busy and full of excitement. Anastasia asked for just a couple of things from Santa.

1. Magic Tree House Books
2. A stroller for her baby doll
3. A display case for her stuffed dogs

Orlando and I were a bit perplexed by the list, but Santa came through with a shelf that fits into her already full room.



The grown ups received gifts, too. It's always fun to think about what would be a perfect present for the important people in our lives. Our gifts to our mothers were not really pricey, they just took a bit of combined legwork, and we managed to surprise both of them.

For Myney's gift Orlando and I got in touch with Brent Nixon, the naturalist we first met on our Alaska Cruise in 2008. Myney was very taken with his engaging style of presentation. He was the naturalist on our 2013 Alaska cruise, as well, and we attended every lecture. He mentioned during that trip that he likes to stay with fans when he travels, so Orlando and I hatched a plan. On a layover between cruise commitments, we've arranged to have Nixon stay at our house for 3 days and present a private lecture at our house (he'll also do a talk at Anastasia's school). She opened a copy of his latest DVD and when we explained her gift, she was very excited. His October visit will be here before we know it.

For my mother, Sandi, Rob, Orlando, and I pooled our efforts. Through a silent auction fundraiser for Anastasia's school, I was able to arrange for a flag to be flown over the Capitol for my Dad. Sandi and Rob sent the flag that was presented to Mom at his memorial service. We arranged for it to be flown on Dad's birthday, November 27. It was a grey day, blustery, raining, and snowing at various points. Orlando and I made our way to the Capitol, and we were able to get some great pictures, in which the only real color is the flag itself. We picked the best one and had it blown up on canvas to send to Mom along with the certificate describing Dad's service as a Capitol Page and Air Force Staff Sargent.



Sandi and Rob delivered it to Mom during a quiet time on Christmas afternoon, while the kids were occupied with their gifts from Santa. It was the perfect time for her to open it, and she loved her gift from all of us.

A Merry Christmas was had by all.

The case for health insurance

Things that are outside of our control happen to us every day and the hit to the pocketbook can be bigger than I ever imagined. A couple months ago, just a few weeks into the school year, Anastasia took a header off of her scooter and crashed hard on the sidewalk about halfway up the block. Her friend, Josephine, who was playing with her, rushed down to our house, where Orlando was sitting on the porch, then up to her own house where I was hanging out with her mother. Little girl was in pain, and there was an obvious bump on her forearm. It didn't take long for Orlando and me to decide that our Friday evening was going to be spent at the emergency room.

The ER docs were great, waiting until she had some strong pain relief on board before taking her for an x-ray. Once the pain killers had taken effect, she switched back into goofy mode.



After a couple hours, we were sent home with a very sleepy little girl in a cast up to her shoulder.



Bill to us for the evening (ER Co-pay): $50
Bill to insurance for the evening: $3,197.85

Two weeks later, we were back at the orthopedics office for a check up. The x-ray showed she was healing well, and Dr. Friend (I couldn't make that up) gave the okay to swap the big cast for a shorter one. Predictably, Anastasia picked a pink cast, which she wore for the following 5 weeks.



At the end of the 5 weeks, it was time to go back and have the pink one cut off.

Total co-pays for follow up visits: $40
Bill to insurance for follow ups: $2,401

We're a generally very healthy family, but this single accident could have cost us more than $5,500 out of pocket. Not exactly affordable.

One more example. I'm allergic to bees. I haven't been stung since high school, but I should still carry adrenaline with me all the time, just in case. This week, it was time to replace my Epi-Pen. It's been quite some time since I've gotten a new one, so I was surprised to find that the co-payment was more than three times the typical $10 fee for prescriptions. A quick look at the receipt showed that the non-insurance price for this lifesaving medication is

$827.95

I was shocked. Say what you want about the Affordable Care Act, but no one will convince me that anyone should be allowed to choose not to have health insurance. The ACA makes sure that those with pre-existing conditions can't be turned away and that everyone will be able to find a plan that covers the basics (like my two examples) that they can afford. Surely knowing you can afford to see a doctor, or have the lifesaving medication is worth more than a $4 latte every day?

Nutcracker Fun

This weekend Myney and I took Anastasia to see the Nutcracker at the Warner Theater. We went last year, and Anastasia really enjoyed it. It's an unusual performance, in that it's set in Washington, DC, and features many American Historical Figures, including Betsy Ross and George Washington (as the Nutcracker).

We started with brunch across the street from the theater. Anastasia was very happy to enjoy waffles and biegnets with chocolate milk. I didn't complain about having biscuits and gravy, either.



We got tickets to "Family Day" this year. The doors opened an hour and a half before showtime to offer a sneak peak behind the scenes of the show. The Rat King met us at the door, signing autographs and posing for pictures. It was very exciting to be able to take pictures of the sets, and the dancers.



We made our way into the theater where Drosselmeyer was signing autographs. We got his signature then headed over to meet Clara. We found our seats (in the second row, not sure how we lucked into those) just in time to see Septime Webre lead a rehearsal of the Toy Soldiers.



After the rehearsal, Anastasia and I headed back out to see some more of the dancers. She posed with the Sugar Plum Fairy, made an ornament and found Lady Liberty posing for pictures, too. Meanwhile, Myney watched the clowns rehearse and got us refreshments to tide us over through the first act.



Anastasia really loved the show, she sat on the edge of her seat for most of it. At intermission, we went out to get an ornament (pretty, sparkly ballerina) and drinks for the second act. She told me how she was enjoying the show, and how much she like the character of Clara. The second act features some of my favorite dances, but much less story. Nevermind, Anastasia was enthralled. She is also particularly interested in learning more about her own connection to the story.

A few years ago, Orlando and I learned that the original story of the Nutcracker was written for (and about) two Hitzig children. The author, E.T.A. Hoffman, was a family friend to Julius Hitzig. Hoffman felt that the Hitzigs (and most parents of the time) were too strict with their children, stifling their creativity. So, in 1816, he wrote a fairy tale for the children, Marie and Fritz, that was as much a commentary on the parenting style of the day as an opportunity to entertain the children. We don't know the exact genealogy that connects Anastasia, through Orlando, to Marie and Fritz Hitzig, that's research for the future. For now, we're very happy to have a little Nutcracker in our holiday preparations.

Giving Thanks

Thursday was Thanksgiving, and the beginning of a long weekend for the whole family. It was lovely and busy, and also a lot of fun. Sometimes I think we take for granted all that we are blessed with. There's lots to be thankful for, starting with the overall health and happiness of our family. There are big things like freedom and little things like indoor plumbing.

I'd like to take this opportunity to name a few of the things I'm thankful for. We are so fortunate to live where we live, to have the freedom our nation affords us, and to have the comfort and security of knowing that we are loved. In addition, here are a few of the more tangible things I'm thankful to have had in my life, even as we miss those who are no longer with us.

This guy and the girl with the toothless grin


Grandmothers and Grandfathers




Brothers and sisters, nieces and nephews.



These three

All of our friends, near and far, those who've been with us since we were small, and the ones who've joined our particular crazy train more recently.

And much more. Next year, I'd like to try to be a bit better at expressing my gratitude throughout the year. There's so much to be thankful for.